“Delusional” is the only way I can characterize Madonna Behen’s article, “Secrets to Stress-Free Doctor Visits,” which appeared in the August edition of Woman’s Day. (pg. 93). First of all, for me, a stress free doctor visit is a contradiction in terms. Either I’m in the doctor’s office because I’m sick or because I’m about to have a physical, a procedure which, at my age, is always “iffy.”
Behen’s advice for comfortable medical visits involves, “Bringing your own roomy, soft robe from home,” (pg. 97) instead of using the office medical gown.
Is she kidding? With my feet in stirrups and my knees pressed up against my ears for a pelvic exam, who’s thinking about fleecy robes? Not me. I’m thinking about cold speculums and a doctor probing my private parts saying, “Well, I never,” “Gee Whiz” or “Oh, Oh.“
Her advice for a happy colonoscopy isn’t much better. Drink the preparatory fluids icy cold, she advises. Nothing’s said about the tube with a tiny camera at one end that will be shoved up my rear. Doesn’t she find that the least bit offensive? If not, I wish she’d take my test for me? I’d be glad to throw in my fleecy robe.
On the matter of mammograms, Behen offers with more advice, but I won’t bother to pass it along. Given its worth, I doubt she’s ever had a mammogram. I suspect Madonna is a man.
(Courtesy of christopherdicks.fastpage.nam)